Eww. Jon Gosselin got both his ears pierced.
He looks like a bad one night stand.
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
I wish there were birth control emojis
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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