I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Randomize
