So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
Fuck appropriateness.
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
Randomize
