im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize
