she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
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