so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
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