Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
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