I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
what part of 'taking a night off' includes MDMA in your world?
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Randomize
