so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
I'm sobbing to NWA
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
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