well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
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The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
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You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
we're like Indians of the 21st century. trading not for food and survival but personal gain and by trouble you mean getting daytime drunk and going to the roller ring then yes.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
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