all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
I should also mention that having been a sheltered child, I am conditioned to have serious kinks and find upper bodies of either sex attractive. And legs.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
