You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
I pour the whiskey from now on
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
Randomize
