be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
Randomize
