I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
Randomize
