remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
so we'll all just be running around naked, basically. and high.
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
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