You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
