I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
I puked a lego.
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
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