Fine. I'll sleep in my office
so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
I feel like I would bang a guy with a dick piercing just to say I have...like climbing a huge mountain or somethig
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
I think a kid would responsible me up
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
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