pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
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