You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
These People Made Expensive Mistakes That They’ll Regret Forever
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
Things The Opposite Sex Just Doesn’t Understand
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.