ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
Do they fuck in the end of "Lady and the Tramp" or am i just wasting my time
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
Randomize
