Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
Randomize
