Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
