When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
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