So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
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"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
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Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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