The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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