Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
