i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
