I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.
This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.
You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
