smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
Randomize
