Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
he thought i was a dude.
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Randomize
