Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Its time to go balls to the wall to get any good D during these last few weeks of college.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
We stole a Christmas tree from the student center and then decorated it with everything we stole from parties... All I have to say is Feliz Navidad!
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
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