so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
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