Got a toothbrush?
Four minutes until I can fart!
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
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