Her body is shaped like a coke bottle...a two liter coke bottle
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
