Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
Randomize
