Where are you?
In a non slutty way
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
