I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to cum to Chingy?!
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
I want to be your penis for a week.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
