...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
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