Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
after last halloween when i met that 26yr old guy from russia who was hot until we madeout and he became obsessed with touching my forehead after the ecstasy he did and then tried to sell me pills from an m&m mini container, i think im staying away from parties downtown
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
Randomize
