Nicole vs. Life
ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
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