There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
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