What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
Drinking a pint every 8 mins right now. Power hour aint shit.
Good luck
Trying doe a second hour and I.cant open my eyes
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
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