Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
Randomize
