i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
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When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
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I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
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