Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
He's on the porch naked. Help.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
