If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
you only had a canadian ten, but you said it was all good cuz you would just by molson.
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
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