god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
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It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
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Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
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