i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
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