Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Randomize
