I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Randomize
