wanna go halves on a baby?
youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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