I want to have your abortion
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Randomize
