last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
So... he formspringed me a link to every nude pic ive taken since he 8th grade. ive evolved nicely. but im nervous as to how this a website.
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
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