Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
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