she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
We smell like vodka and hangover
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
please don't ironically join a cult
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