If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
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