It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
Randomize
