if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
Randomize
