I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
Randomize
