I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
